Hello Internet.
I've been expecting you.
Just thought I'd post a quick thank you to my good friend Jon - also known as The Crimson Arrow (yeah I know) - for drawing me a new banner. By new, I really mean that I didn't have one at all before. It was just an empty cavity in which I poured my own imaginary pictures, envisioning banners that could stop world hunger, cure disease and stop Sofia Coppola from making films. These were all pipe dreams, however, and I eventually resigned myself to the fact that no banner would ever allow me to watch her in the shower.
I turned, instead, to Jon. Here's how it went down:
Me: Hey Jon! Man, we're such good friends. It sure would be a shame if that were to end.
Jon: What do you mean? And why are you holding a screwdriver?
Me: I need to chop some firewood. Listen, about this banner business...ha. That's kind of funny. Banner business. It's alliterative and ambiguous. I could be talking about Bruce Banner and you'd have no idea what I was talking about.
Jon: Why would you be talking about Bruce Banner?
Me: That's Dr. Banner to you.
Jon: Why are you still talking to me?
Me: Because we're friends, Jon. And friends help each other out.
Jon: So, you want to talk about the Incredible Hulk?
Me: That's ridiculous. You're just being ridiculous now. Why are you being ridiculous?
Jon: ...what?
Me: Just draw me my fucking banner or I'll chisel the shit out of your face with this screwdriver.
Something like that happened. I'm not really sure.
But if you like banners and drawings and other fun things, you'll love Jon's blog and you should totally follow him.
Goodbye Internet.
I've been expecting you.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
This is How I'm Going to Start Things
Hello. I'm going to start this with a story that may or may not be true.
It was a beautiful Spring morning. The sun was just starting to awaken from its slumber, a light dew had dabbled itself over the grass and a heron, unknown to him as he flew back to his nest, became a father for the first time. I had decided to go for a walk and, after donning a light pair of jeans, red converse and an Animaniacs t-shirt, left my house for the park.
The world was just coming alive. There was a sense that anything could happen and that no questions would be asked. A cloud could have come alive and talked to the few people out on the street that morning and nobody would have thought it strange. A crow could have passed its driving test and proceeded to drive people to work on the bus, and people would have nodded casually to it as they got aboard, as if such an occurence were commonplace. The morning had that sort of air to it.
On the way to the park, I stopped at the shop to purchase a loaf of bread.
"That will be €1.18 please, sir," the shop clerk said.
"Money can be exchanged for goods and services," I replied, handing over the money. On receiving my change, we both gave each other a thumbs up and just the briefest of nods.
Even the briefest of nods can hold the impact of 1,000 years of knowing.
Upon entering the park, I went to the duck pond and started breaking up the bread, throwing it in the air and watching it rain upon the water. The ripples moved outward from each viscous crater and the ducks quacked with joy, clapping their wings together in a futile attempt of applause.
"PATHETIC DUCKLINGS!!" I bellowed with laughter. "Your attempts at applause are no match for the sounds that I can make!" and I proceeded to applaud loudly, my hands hitting each other at a rapid pace, enabling them to both see and hear why their own attempts were so shameful. And away they swam from me, their heads low.
I saw one duck cry.
And I laughed louder.
Following this event, I saw a young mother pushing a stroller advancing towards the pond. From the stroller came a flurry of crusts and bread crumbs that landed in the water. The ducks began to quack happily again, now that my reign of terror had finished.
However, my eye was now upon this young mother. I confidently strided over to her, confident in my ability to stride with confidence. I grabbed her hand and kissed it.
"No ring, I see," I whispered seductively. She turned dramatically, placing the back of her hand upon her forehead.
"No, I'm not married," she cried into the wind. "At least, not in the traditional sense. Instead, I am married to my life as a mother. That is a marriage that needs no ring." I turned to see the child in the buggy. It was an ugly pugwash little thing. But between its pudgy fingers, a lollipop caught the stray rays of sun that happened its way, and it glinted. It was a pale orange, almost transparent; and yet, in that lollipop, I saw my entire life summed up in a single lick.
"Madam! I may not be able to take your hand in marriage, but I implore of you! That lollipop! It must be mine! In it, I have seen my past, my present and my future. My future may not be with you, but it must be with that lollipop!"
"Forgive me, for I cannot grant you this wish. Anything else and -"
"Marry me?"
"...OK, I can't grant you those two things. But anything else is yours!"
But I only had eyes for that lollipop. There was only one thing to do. I grabbed her by the hand and started spinning in a circle as fast as I could. I then released her hand and she fell into the water, her hair and the pond scum congealing as one. I gripped the lollipop with one hand and pushed the stroller with all my might with my other arm and it careened straight into the water.
I ran from the scene, the lollipop gripped tightly in my hand.
Like I said about that morning: there was a sense that anything could happen.
Stay tuned for more tales of interest...
It was a beautiful Spring morning. The sun was just starting to awaken from its slumber, a light dew had dabbled itself over the grass and a heron, unknown to him as he flew back to his nest, became a father for the first time. I had decided to go for a walk and, after donning a light pair of jeans, red converse and an Animaniacs t-shirt, left my house for the park.
The world was just coming alive. There was a sense that anything could happen and that no questions would be asked. A cloud could have come alive and talked to the few people out on the street that morning and nobody would have thought it strange. A crow could have passed its driving test and proceeded to drive people to work on the bus, and people would have nodded casually to it as they got aboard, as if such an occurence were commonplace. The morning had that sort of air to it.
On the way to the park, I stopped at the shop to purchase a loaf of bread.
"That will be €1.18 please, sir," the shop clerk said.
"Money can be exchanged for goods and services," I replied, handing over the money. On receiving my change, we both gave each other a thumbs up and just the briefest of nods.
Even the briefest of nods can hold the impact of 1,000 years of knowing.
Upon entering the park, I went to the duck pond and started breaking up the bread, throwing it in the air and watching it rain upon the water. The ripples moved outward from each viscous crater and the ducks quacked with joy, clapping their wings together in a futile attempt of applause.
"PATHETIC DUCKLINGS!!" I bellowed with laughter. "Your attempts at applause are no match for the sounds that I can make!" and I proceeded to applaud loudly, my hands hitting each other at a rapid pace, enabling them to both see and hear why their own attempts were so shameful. And away they swam from me, their heads low.
I saw one duck cry.
And I laughed louder.
Following this event, I saw a young mother pushing a stroller advancing towards the pond. From the stroller came a flurry of crusts and bread crumbs that landed in the water. The ducks began to quack happily again, now that my reign of terror had finished.
However, my eye was now upon this young mother. I confidently strided over to her, confident in my ability to stride with confidence. I grabbed her hand and kissed it.
"No ring, I see," I whispered seductively. She turned dramatically, placing the back of her hand upon her forehead.
"No, I'm not married," she cried into the wind. "At least, not in the traditional sense. Instead, I am married to my life as a mother. That is a marriage that needs no ring." I turned to see the child in the buggy. It was an ugly pugwash little thing. But between its pudgy fingers, a lollipop caught the stray rays of sun that happened its way, and it glinted. It was a pale orange, almost transparent; and yet, in that lollipop, I saw my entire life summed up in a single lick.
"Madam! I may not be able to take your hand in marriage, but I implore of you! That lollipop! It must be mine! In it, I have seen my past, my present and my future. My future may not be with you, but it must be with that lollipop!"
"Forgive me, for I cannot grant you this wish. Anything else and -"
"Marry me?"
"...OK, I can't grant you those two things. But anything else is yours!"
But I only had eyes for that lollipop. There was only one thing to do. I grabbed her by the hand and started spinning in a circle as fast as I could. I then released her hand and she fell into the water, her hair and the pond scum congealing as one. I gripped the lollipop with one hand and pushed the stroller with all my might with my other arm and it careened straight into the water.
I ran from the scene, the lollipop gripped tightly in my hand.
Like I said about that morning: there was a sense that anything could happen.
Stay tuned for more tales of interest...
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